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Is it all downhill from here?

I'll make this a short one as I've had a really bad few days. 
The work situation seems to have deteriorated as I had to go over my whole depressive episode again, which has set me off on the path of destruction again.

I've started cutting again and I'm feeling guilty and disappointed that I can't seem to hold it together 

any comments welcome as usual

And now for something a little lighter

Following that epic whinge I thought I would share my Fimo creations from the last few days 

These are supposed to be Tentacles that I intended to make into necklaces but I'm not sure how I feel about them yet

From the moment I started playing with Fimo this little guy has been in my head so I finally plucked up the courage to give him a go and personally I think he's a cutie, I'll be finding a home for him soon 

Feel free to comment if you're reading, I need some suggestions for more things to make 

It appears equality is a myth when you're crazy

Today I realised just how much my depression and anxiety has affected every part of my life in ways I didn't even think of

A little background is needed with this so bear with me, I have worked in my job for nearly 2 years and in that time I have been pretty lucky in the opportunities that have come my way and that my hard work has been noticed, 6 months ago I managed to secure a pretty big promotion which I was very happy with and all of the feedback I was given was that I was doing really well however there was one issue with targets and it was decided by higher people than me that I would be demoted back to my previous position. I obviously was unhappy with this and to be honest i believe that was the thing that tipped me over the edge into my recent depressive episode. 

I was back in my job for around 2 months before it all became too much and I reached the bottom which resulted in self harm and a suicide attempt, I was off work for 5 weeks and returned to work a month ago and this week internal adverts were placed for some new roles in the business which I was very interested in so feeling a little better I made the big decision for me to apply for these positions, this brings me to the unfortunate truth about how depression affects how others see you. 

I was taken into the office today and advised that my application would not even make it to the interview stage, now to be perfectly honest a little part of me thought this may happen however the reasons I was given still seem unfair to me. I was told that my application would not be accepted because they require someone who is reliable and due to my absence I am not considered to be reliable. I have gone through a range of emotions since I was told this from accepting that my illness and my time off of work does perhaps suggest that this may happen again and I understand that because I can't say for sure that I won't relapse and need some help but the main thing I feel at the moment is disappointed that a company that I enjoyed working for can't seem to look past my illness and review my potential as they had done prior to my illness and the way that they are reviewing all the other candidates.

 It makes me realise that the people who know about my illness and knew me before now view me differently and that's something that I'm not sure I'll ever be able understand or accept.

I guess this illness has taken away a part of me I hadn't realised was gone and now I will have to accept and move on 

It started so well

So today started out pretty well with my parcel of Fimo arrived which I was very excited about trying out.

I always want to try to be crafty but it doesn't always work out well I tend to get bored easily. I spend a lot of time at work pushing around a piece of blu-tack to try and relieve my anxiety so Fimo seemed like a natural extension to this and i might even manage to make something awesome.

While I have yet to make a masterpiece I did manage to come up with some interesting stuff

Roses, a ring and a rainbow star in case it isn't too clear

So following this crafting afternoon, this evening was spent going to the pub with work people which before going I was quite excited about going. For unknown reasons I wasn't allowed to go to the work Christmas party so I thought this would be a chance to let my hair down and relieve some of the anxiety I feel at work by doing some bonding however this is not how it turned out.
Everything went fine and there was no big drama I just felt very out of place and  self concious, I'm hoping this is something that will get easier and more natural but I think for now I'll stick to my safe comfortable places.

Just to end I want to thank anyone who is reading this I know its not very exciting but I'm hoping anyone who cares to read it can watch me grow and get better.... and maybe create a Fimo masterpiece!

Deep breath.... here we go

So while I don't expect anyone to find this blog or take the time to read it, I guess I should introduce myself and what I intend to do with this little blog.

I'm 27, married, mother to 2 Cats and all around geeky girl about town.

My main motivation with this is to get my thoughts down and attempt to make sense of some of the things going on in my head, I'm currently recovering from a bad bout of depression and while this is currently what takes over my thoughts I hope that this blog evolves and I can share some of my other passions and perhaps entertain anyone that comes across this

So that's the plan, we shall see how it goes....